My goal for the rest of the year

is to be honest with myself......... about everything..........

stop being a hopeless romantic.
because it only makes me hopeless

i can be decisive when i am in my i dont want a relationship mode.

relationships confuse my mind and my heart dominates.. the heart is not rational.

there are secrets that need to remain secrets and i will keep them to myself... there are people out there who need to be lied to.....

Part of me wants to be in love so bad and I was wiling to make it work with anyone who wanted to make it work with me...... thats the hopeless lover in me....

and the other part is like fuck love.. Pimptress all the way....

i'm revoking my title

yes thats right i am revoking my femme fatale title for a day because i dont deserve it, i havent earned it..now what i am going to do going forward is make sure that every single day that passes I earn it more and more. How could i be so stupid, why would i ever trust a man with my inner most, thoughts, feelings and skeletons. I will never tell another man the truth about my past or my present ever again.

Why did i do that? what was i thinking? why didnt i lie?? i could have easily lied, but i was trying to be forthcoming and honest..something that he has always asked for......that was stupid.....he didnt mean that... he must have meant lie with a straight face so i dont catch you..... never again will i do that.... honesty is not the best policy... it doesnt hurt anyone but both of you!

l see now why most women are habitual liars....and how it is true that men are more sensitive than women. why did he have to ask so many questions anyway... he didnt really want to know.. i dont ask things that at the end of the day i truly dont want the answer to, which is why i'm never sure of how to answer in these positions.

the first thought is always does he really want to know? is he really seeking the truth? damn man... i should have thought for a second and realized no he doesnt want to hear the truth, he wants to hear what he wants to hear so we can be happy together... but i didnt want to be a liar, because i was trying to think further than just today... i was thinking about the future and not trying to ruin it with slips later on when the stakes are truly high....bad move .... i should have waited because with more invested he wouldnt have been so inclined to hate me.

goodbye truth...goodbye love..... goodbye hope...

i should have left it alone with him just thinking i was a bitch.....i'm ok with that one.... but this...this is beyond all feelings i can grasp... i have never felt so horrible about telling someone the truth ever before... and i will never do it again.

with that said, if i know i am going to allow myself the ability to lie to protect a "him" that means i will be completely building a life of lies and deceit and than means i will never allow myself to be close enough to anyone to find truth.

i coul not live in a world of love, happiness and marriage, knowing that i have lied my way to it... so those end goals are never going to be for me....they are more headache than they are worth and pretty overrated and overglorified by now for me anyway..

Today is painful

my back is hurting really bad today...ugh.. not good...so there is a 21 year old trying to date me . sigh, i have been entertaining his conversation so far, but he is still in college with 2 majors, working in retail. not to say i am judging where he is, i just want to date someone more where i am , having things to discuss that i will enjoy. not the latest videos on BET. the age difference is what makes me say uh no! not the fact that he isnt working a hot shit job. 21 is like a baby, i was young and stupid at 21 and for a boy, they are even more stupid... lol man i'm sure he is either looking for a sugara mama, or just wants an older woman to rock his world.... maybe when i'm 30, not ready to rock the cradle just yet.

Women and their expectations

i dont ever think i have witnessed a time when the expectations of women from men were so low. I remember the nineties where every woman was glorifying her independence on the "I dont need a man for shit" campaign. now in 2006 it seems like we have reverted to the life of our mothers and grandmothers, turn a blind eye to that man because he is feeding you and your children, clothing you, being a positive image... Bullshit I say...Golddigging lazy insecure low self esteem bitches is more like what woman have become and for you the rest of us must suffer and trudge and fight to prove that not only will we not stand for the nonsense, but that we can handle as much of our own weight as we can possibily bear.

There are women who not only allow, but expect a man to cheat on them and stick around for him to do so. woman are you insane,? once you get to a certain point in a relationship you dont want any woman near your man unless its to hand him the mail, or draw his blood.... when we they learn or at least raise their self esteem...

How many posts can i blog today?

i have been in bed all day.... i went to the bank and to pick up my daughter but thats it.. i made this blogspot today because i was inspired by an old friends blog..a high school mate... i chose femme fatale por el nombre de mi diario porque the femme fatale is a woman who is considered to be dangerously seductive, alluring and mysterious...and she is not necessarily who i am, but she is definitely a woman i would like to borrow a few traits from.... i think i am too open an individual in general and need to learn to closeup a little like a lotus flower (smile Jeanel) lol (i guess that makes me having a blogspot an oxymoron now doesnt it!)

i have been stuck in bed because i herniated a disc in my back and pinched a nerve, not fun, extremely painful and now i have to go for physical therapy... this is a fluke my mom says.. in a blink of an eye anything can change your life.

my daughter was my hero that night of the back drama... as i laid on the floor for over an hour bawling in intense pain she says mommy you need water and hands me a pretend canteen like Austin from Backyardigans.... : ) she sat and held me while i cried and refused to leave my side to get my phone so i could call for help.... she finally went after an hour and i crawled into the living room and laid on the floor there for another hour where she fed me pizza in between watching cartoons... when her dad came to rescue off the floor I had to send her to open the front door for him, i cried when she got it! she is only 2!!!! She tried her hardest to help me up too.... i love her sooo much.. reminds me of myself helping my grandma, when i was a young lass : ) (miss you Nabrelta Adora)

My First Time

POP!!!! This is my first official blog on my own official blog spot! Yaay ME! Welcome to my world... stick around... visit often... kisses